"Doctor, Doctor, my child just swallowed a pen. What should I do?"
"Use a pencil, Next."

"Doctor, Doctor My little boy has just swallowed a roll of film!"
"Hmmmm. Let's hope nothing develops. Next."

"Doctor, doctor, my little boy's swallowed a bullet. What shall I do?"
"Well, for a start, don't point him at me. Next."

"Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a deck of cards."
"I'll deal with you later. Next!"

"Doctor, Doctor I feel like a pair of curtains"
"Well pull yourself together then. Next."

"Doctor, doctor, people tell me I'm a wheelbarrow."
"Don't let people push you around. Next."

"Doctor, Doctor, some days I feel like a tee-pee and other days I feel like a wig-wam."
"You're too tense. Next."

"Doctor, Doctor, I just wanted to let you know that there is an invisible man in your waiting room"
"Tell him I can't see him now. Next."

"Doctor, am I going to die?"
"That's the last thing you're going to do Next."

"Doctor, Doctor, I can't get to sleep."
"Sit on the edge of the bed and you'll soon drop off. Next."

"Doctor, Doctor, what should I do if my temperature goes up another point?"
"Sell! Next."

"Doctor, Doctor, what should I take when I get run down?"
"The license number. Next."

"Doctor, doctor, I think I'm shrinking."
"Well, you'll just have to be a little patient. Next."

"Doctor, Doctor, you've got to help me. I think I'm a kleptomaniac."
"Don't worry. I think there's something you can take for that. Next."

"Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a spoon."
"Sit there and don't stir. Next."

"Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a billiard ball."
"Get back in the queue. Next."

"Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a dog."
"Lie down on the couch and I'll examine you."
"I can't. I'm not allowed on the furniture."

"Doctor, doctor, I think I'm a bridge."
"What's come over you?"
"Two cars, a truck and a coach."

"Doctor, Doctor, should I file my nails?"
"No. Throw them away like everybody else. Next."

"Doctor, Doctor, what would you take for this cold?"
"Make me an offer. Next."

"Doctor! Doctor! Everywhere I touch myself it hurts. See? Ouch! Ouch!"
"Your finger is broken. Next."

"Doctor, Doctor, I think I've developed a split personality."
"Okay, go chase yourself. Next"

"Doctor, Doctor, nobody ever listens to me."
"Next"

"Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking there's two of me."
"One at a time, please. Next!"

"Doctor, Doctor, how long will I live?"
"You should live to be eighty."
"I am eighty."
"What did I tell you? Next."

"Doctor, Doctor, can you give me something for my head?"
"No thanks, I've already got one. Next."

"Doctor, Doctor, what should I do? I can't sleep at night."
"Sleep during the day. Next."

"Doctor, Doctor, this ointment you gave me makes my arm smart."
"Then rub some on your head? Next."

"Doctor, Doctor, how can I avoid falling hair?"
"Step to one side. Next."

"Doctor, Doctor, my hair is coming out. What can you give me to keep it in?"
"A cigar box. Next."

"Doctor, Doctor, there's something wrong with my stomach."
"Keep your coat buttoned and nobody will notice it. Next."

"Doctor, Doctor, there's a man outside with a wooden leg named Smith."
"What's the name of his other leg? Next."

Doc, don't you think I should get a second opinion?"
"Sure. Come back tomorrow. Next."

"Doctor, Doctor, I'm feeling a bit schizophrenic."
"That makes four of us. Next."

"Doctor, Doctor, I think I've got a bad liver."
"Well, take it back to the butcher. Next."

"Doctor, Doctor, I get this terrible pain in my back every time I bend over."
"Then don't bend over, Next."

"Doctor! Doctor! I keep forgetting things!"
"When did this start happening?"
"When did what start happening?"

"Doctor, Doctor, you're charging me ten dollars and all you did was paint my throat."
'What did you expect for ten dollars - wallpaper? Next"

"Doctor, Doctor, you've gotta do something for me. I snore so loudly that I wake myself up."
"In that case, sleep in another room. Next."

"Doctor, Doctor, is it a boy?"
"Well, the one in the middle is. Next."

"Doctor, Doctor, every bone in my body hurts."
"Be glad you're not a herring. Next."

"Doctor, doctor, my wooden leg is giving me a lot of pain."
"Why's that?"
"My wife keeps hitting me over the head with it."

"Doc, what's the difference between an itch and an allergy?"
"About twenty-five dollars. Next."

"Doctor, Doctor, nobody can figure out what's wrong with me. I've got the oddest collection of symptoms."
"Have you had it before?"
"Yes."
"Well, you've got it again. Next."

"Doctor, Doctor, what's your best suggestion for this terrible bad breath of mine?"
"Lockjaw. Next."